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Being a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved many, largely enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, however it never fully satisfied me, because I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start seeing any man, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with other men once more.

Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many homosexual males have open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, frequently resulting in significant heartache and envy among all parties. In many ways, I desire a partner to love me while letting me remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.

Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; eventually you might become more decisive and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or not. At some point you might meet a person offering a life-changing chance for you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the value of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.

• The psychotherapist practices as a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating intimacy issues.